Change Your Perspective to Get Unstuck–Part 2

Posted on May 14, 2012 by

 

We’re talking this month about what you can do when you are feeling stuck.  We’ve focused on how having a different perspective can give you an opportunity to get out from the feeling of immobility and allow you to more creatively problem-solve.  Last week we talked about getting perspective through distance in your imagination or in reality by walking away from your problem.

This week we’ll focus on a second way to change your perspective: Get unstuck by changing your perspective of time.   How does that work?

If you are ready to find out, here’s an exercise to do:

Imagine yourself five to ten years from now, looking back on this time in your life–when you were in that situation where you used to be stuck.   As you look back on that time in 2012, remember what it was that changed things for you.  Remember how your feelings about the situation changed as well.  As you remember back then to that time when you were stuck, remember what you did that helped yourself change.  Once you have a clear idea of what changed, come on back to the present, bringing that solution back with you.  Are there helpful ideas that can now help you get unstuck?

When I use this, I think of it as checking with the “Old Wise Woman (or Man)”.  I imagine myself as an old, wise woman looking back on this period of my life, and remembering how stuck I used to feel.  Then as an old, wise woman, I remember what I did back then to get unstuck.  I remember how I changed my thinking or did something different way back then in 2012.  When I capture what I did back then to change, I’ve got my solution and can come back to the present bring my solutions with me.  My old, wise woman rocks!

By the way, the change in perspective that time brings is what our parents were talking about when they told us that “in five years you’ll look back on this and laugh.”  Maybe we haven’t reached the point where we are laughing about whatever that situation was, but the principle is the same.

Good luck!

© 2012 Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Get Unstuck by Changing Your Perspective–Part 1

Posted on May 7, 2012 by

We have all had the experience of feeling “stuck” at some time or another in our lives or in our careers.   No matter what we try to do, nothing seems to work.  We spin our wheels and expend our energy, but don’t seem to get where we want to go.  

Last week we talked about breaking the pattern of being stuck by continuing to move and changing the language we use to think about the areas in which we are stuck.  Over the next few weeks, I want to share several other specific techniques you can use to get yourself unstuck.  These specific techniques all fall under the general heading of “changing your perspective.”

When we feel stuck, we are often viewing our situation from a particular perspective.  Our focus is on our specific planned approach, a particular outcome we want to achieve, and/or how we want others in the equation to behave.  When things do not go as planned, it can be frustrating.  Sometimes we try the same approach over and over, hoping for different results.  We are stuck.  Then, we may lock into a rigid approach that, frankly, isn’t working now and probably won’t work no matter how many times we try it. 

 When this happens, one of the easiest ways to get unstuck is to change your perspective of the situation.  But when you are stuck in the middle of a situation and it isn’t going as you’d hoped, it can be difficult to think of a different approach. When you change your perspective, you are able to get some distance from the problem and your position of being stuck.  This allows you to come up with creative solutions which might work.

 One way to do this is by giving yourself some distance from the problem that has you feeling stuck.  Sometimes this involves just taking a break from it, walking away from it to give yourself some time to breathe and reflect on what is working and not working.   Take a break; sleep on it.   

 You can also give yourself some distance by imagining yourself floating above the situation in which you are stuck, and viewing it from a “bird’s eye” view.  When you “rise above it” you are able to see both the situation and your role in it differently.  You are less likely to experience intense emotion from this distance, and that allows you to think about an alternative approach. 

So when you are feeling stuck, get away from the situation, either by taking a break or going “up, up and away” from it.  While you are away, think about the problem from your new perspective, and notice what ideas show up for you!

Stay tuned next week for more techniques to “get unstuck”–

(c) Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.  All rights reserved. 

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Being Stuck

Posted on April 30, 2012 by

I’ve been noticing lately the number of people who seem to feel “stuck.”   Their lives aren’t going the way they had once hoped.  They see the distance between where they are now and where they’d like to be, and perceive a huge chasm.   Sometimes that distance seems insurmountable. 

It started me thinking about what gets us stuck and keeps us that way.  The specific things that get us stuck probably vary as much as the people who experience that feeling.  However, I think that the commonality is in how we think and speak about our situation. 

For instance, when we talk about having a problem with something, we are defining what we think an obstacle is.  That gives it form and boundaries.  But it also tends to take it out of being “a process.”   If you were to think about all possible feelings about a situation as a river that flows past you, you might notice that you feel happy, sad, anxious, worried, scared, or angry in a particular situation.   Those emotions can become an obstacle to forward movement when we stop them, solidify them and term them as a problem.   Then this emotion which was just flowing by in the situation may be stopped and labeled as “my anxiety about this situation” or “my depression.”  Not only does it become a problem, it can become a part of your identity. 

Life tends to move and flow around us, and often we try to capture what is happening.  It’s like putting your hand in a running brook.  Your hand gets wet, and the water flows around it.  You “capture” some small amount of water, which you use to represent the stream.  But if that’s where we stop our understanding of the stream, our perceptions of the where the stream is going will be very different. 

The same is true of watching a movie and pausing it so that you see only one frame.  That doesn’t give you a clear picture of the story.  Nor does singing a song, then stopping to hold a note and not going further really reflect that song.  When you STOP a process, it changes your perceptions of it, and, may make it less rich, less satisfying and may make it lose the potential for what it COULD be. 

 I believe that the same is true of our lives.  When we stop the PROCESS of living and label something a problem or an obstacle, it changes the whole picture.  And it STOPS us.  It keeps us stuck.  If we can keep what we’re experiencing in our lives as an active process, it can keep us from getting stuck.  That’s why coaches often talk about challenges instead of problems.  As a coach, I’ll often ask “What is challenging you right now?”   Although it might be something my client perceives as a “problem,” my hope is that by defining it as a challenge to be met, it will keep the process active–a challenge to be met and then you move on. 

Our language is critical in determining how we think about things and what happens.  For example:  What would happen if you said “I’m stressing myself about this situation” instead of “this situation has too much stress?”   If you change what you thought of as a problem into a VERB, it gives it movement.  And by having movement you can keep from getting stuck.  Think about when your car is at risk of being stuck in the mud.  Often if you can KEEP MOVING–slowly and steadily–you can avoid getting stuck.  The same is true for your life.  Just keep moving, step by step, inch by inch. 

(c) 2012  Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

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What is the Difference between Anxiety and Fear?

Posted on April 23, 2012 by

Anxiety and fear are words that are often used interchangeably, but do refer to different things.  Anxiety is a feeling of dread–a reaction to stress or a reaction to conflicting emotions.  Anxiety has to do with uncertainty in the future.  Most often, we are imagining or “what if”-ing an outcome we don’t want.  It can be a big anxiety—what if something happens to my child?—or a little one—what if I don’t have enough milk for cereal?  Big or little, the focus is on that outcome you don’t want to have happen. 

Fear, on the other hand, is typically a response to a known danger.  It is based upon something in the past or something present right now.  Usually, the intensity of the fear is in proportion to the threat.  As we evaluate whether to be afraid or not, we have to figure out how real is the threat?  Usually we make this judgment instantaneously.   

Our bodies are hard-wired to help us deal with danger through our “fight or flight” response.  When we sense danger, we immediately activate a system to physiologically help us respond either by standing and facing the danger (fight), or running away from it or avoiding it somehow (flight).  Sometimes, if we’ve had a lot of danger in our lives, we respond in a third way—by freezing.  This is when we freeze up and are unable to respond at all.  I find people who respond in this way often have one or more heavy-duty traumas in their lives that have helped them to learn to override fight or flight (usually because they were not able to do either of those thing).  The good news is that once the danger passes, the person usually reverts to their normal way of responding.  They don’t need fight or flight until the next danger. 

On the other hand, uncertainty and unpredictability often feeds the feeling of anxiety and it keeps us on edge.  It makes us increasingly watchful and alert, sometimes even suspicious.  Physiologically, anxiety is helping you to “get ready” to deal with potentially negative consequences.  If this helps us plan for the worst-case scenario or take steps to avoid this negative outcome, anxiety has done its job. 

Here’s the problem: If you experience a lot of anxiety or fear, it may not be real—there may not be a real danger—the “what ifs” might be unlikely.  The danger you perceive may be inside your head.

You see, what underlies most fear and anxiety is the limiting belief that you “are not capable of handling it.”  This stops you before you can even start.  If you allow yourself to be stopped from doing something because of your fears and anxieties, your future life is changed.  You miss opportunities; you allow yourself to be limited by your fears.  You become your own terrorist. Your fears and anxieties hold you hostage.

In fact, when you let fear and anxiety take a free rein in your life, you prevent yourself from finding out about your capabilities.   The ONLY way you can find out what you are capable of is by facing the fear head on.   Instead of allowing anxiety and fear to prevent you from living, growing, achieving and enjoying your life, find ways to live, grow, achieve and enjoy IN SPITE of that fear and anxiety.  Doing that involves a belief in yourself, that you handle what comes in spite of your fears.    

We can’t do away with the feelings of anxiety and fear.  They are too important to us.  But we can put them into perspective.  We can face our fears and make these feelings manageable.  We do this by how we CHOOSE to act in the face of fear.  There might be things you’ll need to pay attention to, but you can handle those concerns and move through the fear.  When you move through your fear, no matter what kind of anxiety or fear it is, you will be stronger, braver, and will be positively changed forever.

© 2012  Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Self Doubt Keeps You From Achieving Your Dreams

Posted on April 16, 2012 by

“Doubt whom you will, but never yourself.”

 ~  Christian Nevell Bovee

When you doubt yourself, you keep yourself from achieving your dreams.  You tell your unconscious mind that you aren’t completely sure you want the outcome about which you are dreaming.  When you believe in yourself, you’ll figure out how to accomplish it.  Your mind will create the solutions.  Self doubt is a limiting belief that keeps you from having the life you want.                           

This week:  If you find yourself doubting your ability to do something, change how you think about it.  Instead of saying “I don’t think I can do it,” say “I’m not sure how I’m going to do it—yet.”  Consider working on letting go of this limiting belief.  Be aware that getting rid of self doubt won’t make you arrogant, it will open the doors to a lot of possibilities. 

Linda Pucci, Ph.D. is a psychologist, life coach and trainer, specializing in helping people let go of the limiting beliefs that crush their success and sabotage their happiness.  Contact her through http://www.InnerResourceCenter.com to schedule a complimentary 20 minute phone consultation to help figure out what you can do about your limiting beliefs and “emotional clutter.”

 

 

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Find Out If You Have “Emotional Clutter”–Take This Test

Posted on April 8, 2012 by

 

Emotional Clutter Assessment

 

Do you have “emotional clutter” in your life?  Take this assessment to find out.

Circle the answer that best describes how often the statement applies to you:

 

 

 

 

1.         I experience my emotions intensely.

             Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

2.         People tell me I am overreacting.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

3.         I stay angry for a long time.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

4.         I get anxious or worried when there really isn’t a need to be.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

5.         I feel guilty when I tell someone “no.”

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

6.         I wish I had done things differently in my life.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

7.         I think about my mistakes for months or even years.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

8.         I numb my emotions so that they don’t bother me as much.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

9.         I feel depressed and it keeps me from living fully.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

10.       I find myself avoiding people, places or things because they evoke strong emotions.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

11.       When I say “don’t,” people do it anyway.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

12.       I am been disappointed in the direction my life has taken.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

13.       My relationships don’t satisfy me.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

14.       I think about the bad things that have happened to me in my life, and they bother me.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

15.       I do everything I can to avoid thinking about bad things that have happened to me.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

16.       I wish I could start over.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

17.       I rub people the wrong way.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

18.       People who are important to me end up abandoning me.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

19.       I tend to think about the negative side of things before I think about the positive side.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

20.       I feel that no one is here to support me.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

21.       I am lonely.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

22.       I wish I could avoid my own company.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

23.       I am my own worst enemy.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

24.       I like to escape with drugs or alcohol.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

25.       I wish I had the power to change the things I don’t like in my life.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

26.       I have health problems that are made worse by stress.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

27.       I like my life just the way it is.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

28.       I wish I had more self confidence.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

29.       I feel stuck.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

30.       The losses I’ve experienced in the past still affect me.

            Usually             Often                            Occasionally                 Almost Never

Scoring hint:  If you have circled “usually” or “often” on any item EXCEPT for Item #27, you probably have some major emotional clutter that is interfering with your life.  Even if you’ve only circled “usually” or “often” on ONE item.  (It is like having one room in your house you can’t go in to because it is too cluttered with “stuff”).  

Want to know what to do about it?  Contact Linda Pucci at linda@innerresourcecenter.com  about your results on this assessment.  Please put “Emotional Clutter” in the subject line.  

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Got “Emotional Clutter?”

Posted on April 1, 2012 by

 

If you’ve ever watched that television show about hoarding or any of the other “clean up” shows, you know that people often hang on to a lot of “stuff.”  Often it is a lot of useless things that just clutter up their lives.  Getting rid of physical clutter is important and there are sometimes emotional reasons that people hang on to things. 

When I talk about “emotional clutter,” people sometimes think I’m talking about the emotional reasons people hang on to physical stuff.  While there certainly can be emotional issues that keep people hanging on to things that aren’t useful, I find that even more people hang on to “useless emotional stuff” and that is what I mean by “emotional clutter.” 

You see, we all come with baggage.  It is an unavoidable part of our human experience.  Each of us has been affected by the negative experiences that have happened in our lives.   These experiences have helped shape us; they help determine our character.   How we handle them often becomes the challenge we face in our lives.

Sometimes those experiences are unexpected things like a death or illness.  Sometimes they are mistakes we’ve made.  They are experiences, often negative, that have had an impact on us.  That in itself isn’t a bad thing. 

But too often, those experiences become “emotional clutter.”  Instead of learning the lesson from those life experiences and moving on, we hang on to the baggage.  We stockpile the negative emotions associated with those experiences:  anger, sadness, hurt, fear, disappointment, or guilt.  We hang on to those emotions and cling to the memory of how that experience affected us negatively.  It is almost as if we don’t want to let go of the negative emotion for fear we’ll forget the lesson from the experience. 

For example, if you’ve had a friend who hurt you, you might hang onto that hurt as a way of reminding yourself not to trust them again.  But sometimes, that hurt sticks around and generalizes to other situations, and pretty soon you’ve decided you can’t trust others.  Maybe you’ve even formed a belief that “people can’t be trusted” or that “getting close will get you hurt.” 

To my mind, that’s pretty significant “emotional clutter.”  Those stockpiled negative emotions and limiting beliefs stop you from having the sort of life you want.  It interferes with your happiness, your relationships, your success—your life. 

When I talk about “emotional clutter,” I’m talking about those negative emotions that you’ve stockpiled from past experiences.  You see, you don’t really need them to remind you of anything; the learning from those experiences isn’t really stored in the emotions.  You probably already have the important learning stored unconsciously in your memory of the experience.  If not, it is easy enough to get it.  (I can show you how to do it).   Emotional clutter is also composed of those limiting beliefs—the beliefs that may have been true once, but they’ve long outlived their usefulness. 

So, think about your own baggage.  Has it turned into emotional clutter?  What negative emotions or limiting beliefs are YOU hanging on to? 

The first step is to recognize you’ve got emotional clutter.  Next we’ll figure out what to do about it.

© 2012 Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.  All rights reserved. 

 

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Your Inner Resources Become Your Tools

Posted on March 27, 2012 by

My husband once told me that you can do anything if you have the right tools.  Since he’s a mechanic, he meant that literally.  I experimented, and found that I COULD do things I wasn’t strong enough, or skilled enough, or smart enough to do, as long as a I had a tool that helped me compensate for my weaknesses.  I’ve figured out how to generalize that to help my clients “find the right tool” to help them on their quest for a better life. 

For a long time, I have believed in the importance of developing both internal and external resources.  I even named my business to reflect that: The Inner Resource Center.  In fact, as you might have noticed, the name of this newsletter/blog is INNER RESOURCES to reflect my desire that my writing help people better develop their OWN resources.  My intent in most everything I do involves helping people develop and access their inner resources to live a better life. 

When I was a student (well, I’m still a student, but before I got my degree), I was pressured by supervisors to “pick a theory” to believe in and practice from.  I always struggled with that because it seemed far too limiting.  It seemed to me that each theory or approach addressed one perspective and one view, but I didn’t really think that one approach could help with EVERYTHING.  I called myself “eclectic” because I really believed that different approaches have merit at different times.  Now, after more than 32 years of helping people change their lives, I still believe that.  To me, each approach is a resource—a view or perception of what is going on, or what is needed. 

As I become older (and wiser), I recognize how much there is to know, and how impossible it is to know EVERYTHING.  However, I believe that it IS possible to develop your resources to help you in situations where you need some good tools. 

I’ve used this approach in both my coaching and therapy practices.  The Inner Resource Center helps people access and develop their resources.  They are INNER RESOURCES because, once developed or accessed, they become part of your inner arsenal to be used any time you are faced with life’s challenges. 

Your resources can be either external or internal.  External resources are, of course, the resources we find outside of ourselves.  They might include books, CDs, courses or information on the internet.  They might also be other people–-a friend, an assistant, a specialist, a coach, a therapist-–someone who can help you by serving as a resource for you.  People as resources might be the people who do things for you, or are able to help you bring out some action that helps you move forward. 

Internal resources are as numerous as external ones. They include your intelligence, your talents and skills, your attitudes, your beliefs, your values, your emotions, and your learning.  Your internal resources are shaped by ALL of the experiences you’ve had–-successes AND failures.  From positive and negative experiences, you’ve taken away positive learning.  Your emotions–love, hate, anger, joy–can be resources for you, and can be used to give you passion, direction, and motivation.  Your history–the impact your experiences have had on you–affects your values, your vision, your dreams, and your perceptions.  Your physical body, your muscles, your nervous system and even your health–all can be resources for you.  Even your weaknesses have things to teach you. 

These internal and external resources become YOURS–your INNER RESOURCES–because they become the TOOLS that you can use to help yourself.  They can help you compensate for any weaknesses you may have, or simply give you an edge that is uniquely yours.  The resources you have and use help you overcome obstacles and challenges that you may face.  They can help you succeed and excel far beyond what you even thought possible.  They can save you time, energy and money–which are also valuable resources. 

I believe that there is nothing more important than developing your inner resources and that anything you do to develop them will help you.  In my opinion, the more resources you have, the better able you are to handle life’s inevitable challenges.  By having a large number of resources to choose from, you are able to try something else if what you’ve been doing isn’t working.  Your resources give you a “bag of magic tricks” from which you can pick and choose.  That way, you can be ready for just about anything…

 (c) 2012  Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

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Wisdom from the Horse’s Mouth: Don’t Tolerate Those “Flies”

Posted on March 23, 2012 by

The weather has gotten warm and sunny, and along with it has come our yearly pests–the flies.  Horses have a lot of different flies that like to hang around.  Right now, the flies are small and don’t bite.  The ones that really bother us are the ones that love to take a chunk out of us.  That makes us jump! 

Horses are very resourceful, so we have a lot of different ways to get flies off.  Sometimes we brush up against the bark of the trees that grow in the middle of our pasture.  Sometimes we roll in the cool mud and layer it on so that it protects our hide. 

Usually to get away from the flies, we hang out in the shade during the hottest part of the day.  It seems that the flies like it when we sweat, so staying cool is important.  We have our tails to swish them away when they land, and can move our skin in sort of a shudder when we feel them light on us.  Sometimes we are also able to bite at them, if they have landed where we can reach.  We make it uncomfortable for them to bug us!

Sometimes we permit our humans to spray us, but I really don’t like that spray bottle.  It makes a funny noise, and it smells funny.  I usually run away, but the others tolerate it better than I do. 

We’re used to the flies being part of our lives and we do what we can to deal with them.  They are an annoyance that are part of life.  I’ve noticed that humans often have things that annoy them the way flies annoy us.  But unlike horses, humans don’t always do anything about it.  It often seems like they just sit back and tolerate those things they don’t like. 

That doesn’t seem like a very effective way to get rid of them.  In fact, if those things you are tolerating were flies, not chasing them away would just invite more.  I wonder if you humans invite more difficulties when you don’t take care of those things that “light on you?”  

I’d like to suggest that when something happens that you don’t like, do something about it–tell someone, shake it off, get away from the aggravation, or take a stand.  When you do, your “flies” will think twice about bothering you.  Or at least you’ll have handled the situation.  Your “flies” may not disappear permanently any more than ours do, but when you take action, they will move on.

If they don’t, just find a good rough tree, and scratch!

Neighs and whinnies,

Goomba

 

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What Are You Tolerating?

Posted on March 19, 2012 by

I have a sign hanging in my office that says “You get what you tolerate.”  It is there to remind my clients (and me!) that when we tolerate things we don’t like, we allow them in our lives.  That is usually not such a good thing. 

What is a toleration?  It can be anything that bugs you–something you are putting up with that you really wouldn’t HAVE to.   A toleration becomes a compromise you talk yourself into making.  Sometimes it is putting up with disrespect from a spouse, boyfriend, parent or family member.   Sometimes it is something in your surroundings that bothers you, but you don’t do anything to change.  Maybe it is something about your job or the people you work with. 

Most of us tolerate a lot.  Our tolerations can be big things or small things, but they all tend to sap our energy, block our happiness, and interfere with us living lives that are completely satisfying.  Think about the things in your life that you are tolerating.   Make a list of things at home, at your job, in your relationships that you are putting up with.  Think about what life could be like if you didn’t have to cope with them.  Would you have more energy?  Be happier?  Be more creative and productive?  Feel more at peace?  Have a better life?

Why do we tolerate things we don’t have to?  The answer varies, but often has to do with wanting to avoid handling things that are “difficult.” We don’t want to make waves, we don’t want to have to confront someone, or we’re afraid that we won’t be able to get rid of what we are tolerating.  Sometimes we are afraid of the changes that might happen as a result.  And sometimes, we don’t believe that we deserve to have it better.  

There may even be payoffs for having the toleration.  For example, you may stay in a job you hate because of the financial security it provides.  Or, you may feel noble about carrying the burden of the things you tolerate.  It is important to look at the “payoffs” for you.  The more you understand WHY you are tolerating things, the easier it will be to make a plan to get rid of them. 

So here’s the place to start.  Publicly announce ONE THING you’ve been tolerating.  What are you going to do about it?  Is there a payoff for hanging on to it? 

Take steps NOW to make the requests or take the actions to eliminate the things you are tolerating.  DO IT TODAY! 

P.S.   Keep in mind that you don’t have to be overbearing or aggressive–but you do have a right to try to change the things you can.  Sometimes this may mean compromising, but let people know what you want first.  Don’t assume that you will fail, or that you don’t deserve to be toleration-free! 

 

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